A few minutes late for an impromptu all women get-together and I am greeted with “Here comes the lucky one!”
“Now, what did I do?”, I ask. My question is ignored and I am asked to quickly settle down.
The hot topic of the moment… Mother-in-Laws(MIL)!
Each had so much to share…
- A MIL who had chosen the bride for her son, herself, after ‘screening’ a lot of girls and whose only desire for a long time was to see her son married. And when the bride came, she does not have a small or even a fake smile for her. Reason, she is upset that her son and the husband dote on the new member of the family and that now the son spends less time with the her. No matter how much the girl tries to please her MIL, it all goes down the drain!
- A MIL who creates misunderstanding between the son and his wife and is glad when they fight/argue and is upset when they are happy together.
- A MIL who would like to accompany the son and the Daughter-in-Law (DIL) for every outing. And the poor guys do go along with her 90% of the times, but that one evening when they make their own plans, all hell breaks loose in the family, cold treatment to snapping at every thing follows!
- A MIL who would not allow the DIL to do anything in the kitchen. Kitchen is the MIL’s domain. So, after initial attempts to assist her in the kitchen resulted in snubbing , the DIL took the best option… to stay away from kitchen. Even that was frowned upon by the MIL. So, it’s a everyday struggle, comments, snide remarks in the kitchen now…
- A MIL has only frowns and a long face for the DIL while her happiness knows no bounds when her daughters are home!
- A MIL drops all the pending household chores as soon as the DIL enters home after work. It’s like now ‘it’s the DIL’s responsibility to look after the home’. The poor girl is not allowed even some 10 minutes of relaxation.
- A MIL who is so very dominating and everything should be done as per her standards, her desires and her wishes, even the menu for breakfast!
- A MIL who is never in sync with the DIL’s child-raising abilities, who would reprimand her when she is reprimanding the child, thereby creating so much of confusion for the child and immeasurable heartburn, irritation and frustration for the DIL.
In short, we have MILs here who are very manipulative, control freaks, who treat their DILs as competition and believe that they are not good enough for their sons. These are the mother-in-laws who specialize in back-handed comments and constantly bash their DILs with words! These are the mothers who are constantly forcing their sons to prove their loyalty or forcing them to choose between them or the wife.
Both the MILs and DILs are educated lot here and there are no dowry issues or the physical abuse or… but the days are a big drudgery for these DILs.
The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body. The stress, the emotional trauma these MILs bring in their lives is way too much. Gritting teeth or maintaining a cool facade is not a long term option. For these DILs, dealing with their MILs is exhausting and all this pulls them down both physically and emotionally. The MIL’s insecurities and the negativity that brings, results in sleepless nights for the DILs. Some of them are at their wits end and find themselves in such a messy situation.
And their pain is so much so that one DIL has decided that she will have a Live-in Son-in-Law for her daughter (who is just 5), as she does not want her daughter to go through the emotional stress like the one she is experiencing because of her MIL.
Though these DIL’s every sentence starts with, Mummy Ji, but these are not like their real Mothers but are Mother-in-Laws from Hell for sure!!
Ok, why I am the lucky one, as per these women!? Well, I don’t have in-laws!!
What about you?? How is your Mummy Ji??
June 22, 2012 12:56 am|
I guess I am lucky too. For, 1. I don’t live with my in-laws. 2. Even if I do, my MIL doesn’t match the description. 🙂
June 22, 2012 5:42 am|
Super lucky you are, Priyanka!! Touchwood! :))
June 22, 2012 4:51 am|
I have a good mil, very supportive and they don’t live with us for me to offer a really objective view. Personally I feel that joint family setup is just not workable any more. The ideal solution in my opinion is to not live with the kids even if in the same city but maintain your own home and let them have theirs. There will be much more love and privacy for both parties.
June 22, 2012 5:30 am|
I completely agree, the joint family system isn’t workable… of course, parents of BOTH spouses need equal amounts of care, respect and support, and that can be given even when one is not living together.
June 22, 2012 5:45 am|
@ Rachna and Ash: Having supportive MIL is such a blessing! 🙂
Very right, even if staying separately is not possible and feasible, at least be humane and practice “Live and Let Live!”. This everyday Kich Kich is terrible!
June 22, 2012 5:10 am|
A nice analysis coming from a woman! One does not have to look for enemies when one has such nice life long friends/ relatives for company, Shipa:)
June 22, 2012 5:48 am|
Thanks Mr. Bhatia! Ahh, staying with such frenemies can be a harrowing and a very frustrating experience!
June 22, 2012 5:29 am|
Interesting post! Makes me feel lucky I’m single and don’t have an MIL 😛 … but I do know someone who had an MIL corresponding to points 2 & 3. She wanted to wedge herself in between the young couple in everything, all the time…the son wasn’t brave enough to correct the situation. So the wife walked out in frustration and now says she’s a lot happier for it.
June 22, 2012 5:50 am|
Glad you liked this post, Ash! All the best to you for a wonderful MIL!! 😀
Oh My… walking out coz of MIL… she must be truly harassed a lot! 😐
June 22, 2012 6:04 am|
This is a typical ‘KAHANI GHAR GHAR KI”.
In opinion,DIL must be given complete freedomas long as her husband has no problem.
Each one of us have only one life.Lets live the way we decide to.
June 23, 2012 4:53 pm|
Yeah, happens in many homes, but there are homes where there’s so much of love and happiness too!!
June 22, 2012 7:24 am|
I am lucky too..My MIL is supportive and helpful. It also helps that we stay in different houses in different cities and she visits us and we visit her. So pyar and respect is still there. My hubby is the apple of her eye and will not do anything to hurt him.
June 23, 2012 4:55 pm|
Wow!! Lucky you!! Yeah, but basically it’s in the nature too of the person! There are some who can create havoc even from far!!
June 22, 2012 3:21 pm|
I am 7 months old bride……have seen different phases in such a brief period.
at my wedding i didn’t take any gift from my in laws.nothing .not a dress nor a ring.on the other hand i showered them with gifts well they did not ask for them but did not check us to do this either.
and then i observed
”they made it a tradition whenever i come back from my father’s home,it was presupposed to come with something”.well I knowhow to tackle this .:-)
i guess neither the problem is with daughter in law nor with mother in law,its HUSBAND….ji who should have the strength of judging who is doing good and who is doing bad.
June 23, 2012 4:58 pm|
Yes, husband has a great role in the balancing act! But all in the family have to be understanding, empathetic, supportive… then only its a sukhi and khush parivaar!
June 23, 2012 3:42 am|
Looks like I am the only one with a completely different experience here. I love combined family set up and it works for us beautifully.
June 23, 2012 12:03 pm|
And, you are so lucky, Kavita! It requires a balancing act from both sides. And, men really can do very little caught in the middle as they are.
June 23, 2012 7:44 pm|
@ Kavita : Damn cool this is!! Touchwood!!
@ Rachna : True, a big happy joint family is possible only with equal supportive efforts of all!!
June 23, 2012 5:10 am|
I caN an tell you the other side too…
who cant rememebr the brdays and anniversary of inlaws but arranges a huge party for every little thing of her parents.
Who cant get up and see what her inlaws need in the morning tea or BF, rather her MIL does everything for them, be it cooking or washing..
MIl pampers her to hilt with gifts though she values only what she gets from her parents.
She doesnt make any effort to please her MIL, e other way round because MIL lovers her son too much and wants to see them happy..
She cant leave her little ones with daadi, she doesnt trust them but would leave them with her mother only..
there is no end to these girls hurting their inlaws, whatevr they say..
I see many girls who are no less than a dragon…so world is made of all types, no point in branding, instead we must be good ourselves.
June 27, 2012 5:27 am|
Very true… there are all kinds of people… there are such wonderful MILs and monster DILs too!! And like wise… parents, husbands, children, sisters, SILs….
June 23, 2012 6:07 am|
Your question was thrown at women. Nevertheless , being of a gender that gets pounded from both ends , I would say that DILs are not all saintly angels.Frailty is of both. There are DILs who hound the MILS out .
And all this happens because of the pliable imbecile the Son.
June 27, 2012 5:28 am|
Oh yes, there are all kinds of people… the good, the bad, the ugly!!
June 23, 2012 8:57 am|
I wonder why such things happen between MIL and DIL even today, where we call ourselves as “a part of the modern society”. 😮
June 27, 2012 5:30 am|
Ah, the modern society is far from modern in such matters in many many places… otherwise we wouldnt have female infanticide, dowry deaths, domestic violence, rapes…..
June 23, 2012 11:12 am|
well I dont know why it happens that way .. when both are intelligent .. If something wrong happened to me , I would make sure it doesnot happen with anyone else who i know .. but in MIL and DIL its opposite the MIL went through something wrong , so she waits for her son to get marriend so she can do the same to her DIL ..
June 27, 2012 5:46 am|
Very few people think like that, otherwise it’s like tit for tat (ofcourse not to the MIL but to the future DIL). 😐
June 26, 2012 2:41 am|
What fun .. Topic I mean. 🙂 I have been part of such conversations before marriage and just listened mentally taking notes then. Even now, I do the same 😉 i guess one year is too soon to comment. It’s not as though we are all facing an acid test , but it takes more time to get to know one another. I feel though it is better to not share such personal views on mil-fil with neighbors/colleagues etc. better to thrash it out with the concerned person don’t u think?
June 27, 2012 5:50 am|
I know what you mean, R! Some people dont like to share their household issues, while some do so, may be to clear it off their chest, all the anger, frustration…
Sharing problems with others may or may not give any results, but it sure lightens you up and may be that feeling, “I am not alone!” makes you feel better too!
Yes, the bestest way is to sort the differences!!
June 26, 2012 5:30 am|
Well my MIL passed away after about 4 years into my marriage. We had our issues but today I do feel if she had been around a few more years, maybe we could have handled our differences in a far more matured manner? Maybe?
Anyway, I have a darling of a father-in-law though! So if you do a post on FILs I will have loads to share 🙂
June 27, 2012 5:51 am|
I am so sorry about your MIL, Deeps!
That’s awesome!! May be you can do a post on FILs!! :))
June 26, 2012 8:39 am|
Can’t believe educated mils and dils get into such issues. Well, I am still single so I would rather stay quiet on a subject I have no clue about!
Interesting read. 🙂
June 27, 2012 5:52 am|
Ah, there are issues everywhere, girlie!! :))
June 26, 2012 3:50 pm|
Oh! do they really talk like this? I dont have Mummyji too…:-|
June 27, 2012 5:54 am|
Well, this is straight from the horse’s mouth!! :))
June 27, 2012 9:02 pm|
I’ve seen all these kind of MILs in the past, within relatives. But thankfully I have great respect for my Mummy ji and luckily she’s very good to me. She’s a great women whom I’ve seen the way I see my mom. So does she.